I met a him a few years ago. He was just as strange as I was. I became attached almost immediately. The feelings were mutual, the chemistry was crazy strong, but the timing couldn’t have been more wrong (the rhyming here was unintentional by the way). Unfortunately, there were trials that seemed difficult to win. After a while of just talking, we agreed to discontinue interactions with each other before anything else could progress further and so the future was left pending. Unfortunately, my heart got in the way (foolish, I know). It hoped of a wonderful possibility of crossing paths again when the time was right. I previously thought that after no interaction for a couple of months, my feelings would start to fade and all would eventually be okay (as any normal person’s would… right?) but with every passing month, my feelings simply wouldn’t fade.
You see, I am abnormally optimistic (to a fault!). I didn’t see each passing month as another month of us drifting further away; but I saw each passing month as another month that could be bringing us closer to crossing paths once more. I didn’t realize this sort of mentality only kept breaking my heart. It wasn’t going to happen and I needed to fully accept that. The chemistry was amazing and for the time it lasted, we had an understanding and we ended everything quite amicably.
Still, I saw too much of what wasn’t there… different from how things actually were. It was foolish of me for I was warned about this and I feel foolish typing all of this down to be honest. Thankfully, however, I have been able to highlight another weakness of mine.
My lesson: just because I tend to see the potentially amazing sides in a guy and I feel like something can work out, doesn’t mean he will see it in that way too. I can’t help it sometimes; I’m the type of person who will not give up on those I love because, although there’s a 99.8% chance that they will not become the “so-and-so” they have always wanted to be, and that the incredible “et cetera” will never happen, or that “the day!” day will never come, I can’t help but hold on to the .2% chance that it just might (ahhh… idealism), even if it crumbles me somehow along the way. I need to remember that there are times where it’s necessary to let go, because “expectation postponed makes the heart sick…” (Prov.13:12).
It’s going to take balance. Balance has always been hard one for me. It is also going to take finding out the distinctive factors between “expectation” and “hope” and how to use them properly. It’s a lesson I am still learning and perhaps it’ll take me a while until I fully do. Meanwhile, I need to keep trying to focus on the one person I truly can push forward: myself. I’m constantly growing and learning. Jehovah has been incredibly patient with me and I know there are still many hard lessons for me to learn in the future. I’m okay with that. I live for that!
After every good and bad situation I have encountered in my life so far, one thing remains true within me: Cherish the good times; it teaches you thankfulness. Value the bad times; it teaches you lessons.
Most importantly, if you’re an abnormally optimistic heart-driven fool like myself, safeguard your heart. Give it to Jehovah because…
“…a desire realized is a tree of life.”